


salvaged warmth

by spectre2



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Bisexual Hera Syndulla, Bisexual Kanan Jarrus, Food, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla as Space Parents, Lesbian Sabine Wren, Pre-Star Wars: Rebels, Sabine Wren Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28466532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectre2/pseuds/spectre2
Summary: The Ghost Crew want their newest member, Sabine Wren, to feel welcome - now it's just a matter of whether she can accept that for herself.
Relationships: Hera Syndulla & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus & Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Kanan Jarrus & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	salvaged warmth

**Author's Note:**

> Who's the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who's horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?”  
> ― Rebecca Stead, Goodbye Stranger

Kanan finds himself in the cockpit again, settling down into the passenger seat next to Hera with the sort of restlessness that means he won’t be staying very long. He looks out at the ever shifting blue of hyperspace, finally deciding to breach the subject. 

“Not to state the obvious but...I don’t think she trusts us yet.”

“I think that’s fair, we’ll need to earn it. She's been through a lot.” 

“Yeah...a kid doesn’t just wind up alone like that without there being a reason.”

Hera’s voice is soft, “Don’t we know it.” 

“I was thinking of making her tiingilar, the Mandalorian dish?”

“That’s a great idea,” Hera smirks a little, “Those Mandalorians know how to do spicy food as well as Rylothians. It might make Sabine feel more at home. Besides I think we can all use it considering that moon we’re headed to is going to be freezing.” Even though they haven’t arrived, her arms are already wrapped over her flight suit tightly. The ship’s temperature is a lot lower than usual in an attempt to reduce fuel usage and he reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder that he hoped was warm.

“…I’ll get you something warm to drink.”

“Thanks, love.”

Kanan leaves the cockpit, his face falling more at a realization growing with each step down the corridor. All the possibilities were almost worse than knowing the exact truth of what happened to Sabine. This was a hard universe for a kid to live in especially alone. He thinks of her short hair and the loud bright streaks through it make him wonder. Was it because of who she was? He didn’t want to assume but it was difficult to not feel protectiveness. His own upbringing had been content, peace gradually wavering (though he never recognized it at the time) then fully falling into turbulence. Even with the Code, his quiet attraction to other children his age regardless of gender had never been a concern for Depa. She understood, reassured him those feelings were natural. He had been loved. The only thing that could have taken it away had been her death and yet even dying had been done out of love. Knowing that made his throat tight even now.

Kanan gets the caf ready the way Hera likes it, the ritual taking him out of his own head more before he presses the warm mug into her hand. He feels her fingers curl against it, deliberately brushing his which earns a smile before he heads off again. 

* * *

They finally land on the moon, a day earlier before the plans they have lined up so they have plenty of time to spare. Kanan is now determined to make Sabine something other than the ration packs they’ve been having lately - he wants the kid to feel welcome and to have something homemade for her first meal on the Ghost. They don’t exactly have much to work with and credits are scarce but he knows a few ways to get some food and starts to consider his options. 

If Kanan stays after the market starts to help a vendor clear up, which is usually diligent due to the Imperial curfew, he may be able to get some of what’s left over if there is anything. Even then that’s not a guarantee. He could try to see if there’s any odd jobs people need help with, something quick that he can do alone just for a few credits but he won’t be the only one looking for that sort of work not by a long shot. Then there’s always the mostly last resort alternative but most of the vendors here are just barely getting by themselves and even something small could be missed. 

Kanan is near the hatch and about to leave when he hears Zeb’s voice call from the ladder, “Heading out?”

“Yeah, to the market. Might do a small job before- Do you want to come with me?”

Kanan can sense his hesitation without turning to look at him just yet. It had only been a few months since he joined their crew but there were patterns that showed up within the weeks, Zeb seemed to have these bouts where he would isolate himself more but Kanan couldn’t help getting the impression that this was the time he really shouldn’t be alone. 

“Would you need any heavy lifting?”

“Not really. Just getting a few things.”

Another pause before there’s a shrug and Zeb joins him. “Might as well. Doesn’t sound too exciting though.”

“Probably more exciting than being alone in your room.” There’s a faint teasing as he gives him a nudge with his elbow though he understands that urge a little too well.

There’s an eye roll already at the word ‘alone’ though the nudge sends his gaze pitching more dramatically a second time. “I can entertain myself just fine.”

“At this point I think you’ll reach the end of the holonet.”

The Lasat scoffs at him though it's in good humor, giving him a smirk. “Alright, Jokes, wait until you don’t know what movie to watch and then we’ll see.”

* * *

Sabine’s fingers curl into a fist, shoulders tense as she checks if the door is locked. To sit would be impossible so she paces, turning that small stretch of the bedroom into what could eventually be miles with enough steps. They had told her to get some rest and she knows she should sleep, she can’t even remember the time she’s done that properly yet rest doesn’t come. Her mistakes flicker like an ever present screen behind her eyes and closely then only allows the picture to sharpen into clarity. Everyday she thought of it, sometimes every hour, on the worse days it could be within the span of minutes. 

Back with Ketsu, there were plenty of distractions to help. Collecting bounties wasn’t easy work and they went to places where you always had to be on your guard. When you were focused on staying alive, it was difficult to think of anything else. And yet here...In the comfort and the quiet, they didn’t seem to understand that was what was getting to her more than any hard times she’d been in. This place gave room for her mistakes to come back to devastate her though…maybe that was what she deserved.

_“Cadets, the project today is to design a weapon. You will draft the plans for it and we will assess its practicality and creativity. Perhaps...if it is good enough, we will consider making it a reality. Though we...have yet to have a design that met this standard.” The officer lets the words hang in the air like a challenge, gauging the reactions from them and their excitement. She can see how they are already beginning to brainstorm, hearing the whispers start - likely the same predictable ones that she has seen throughout many series of cadets and she raises a hand to silence them.._

_“I want one key principle to guide your creations. Sometimes it isn’t simply about causing more problems for the enemy but rather...eradicating a problem they are creating for you with the right solution. Think beyond brute force.. I want you to go big with this, impress us... consider what for now seems impossible. In your design do not just consider the capacity of blaster fire...So often we think of it only as a strength. Yet what is it weak against?”_

_The instructor gives Sabine a nod after she raises her hand and she speaks with the knowing ease of someone with a good answer, “Beskar. It deflects blaster fire.”_

_“Yes, good. Students, I want you to remember as you work that we must always consider our capabilities and their limitations together otherwise the picture remains incomplete, inadequate. Now perhaps a more difficult question...What is beskar weak to?”_

_“Lightsabers-” A student says far too quickly before another slaps him on the shoulder with annoyance._

_“No-That’s not true. It’s only if it’s held on beskar for a long time.”_

_“Heat? That’s how it’s shaped into armor, right?” Another offers with a slight hesitation, his eyes darting back over to Sabine as if for confirmation._

_“People don’t just carry portable forges though, do they?”_

_The officer smiles gently, “Now, don’t put down your classmate’s ideas just yet. How else could one practically generate heat without a forge?”_

_There’s a silence, some murmuring before Sabine raises her hand again and the officer arches a brow but nods, “A pulse of some kind...An..energy pulse if it was powerful enough.”_

_“...Very good. We should discuss this further after class.” This is not something the officer offers lightly, praise doesn’t come often and Sabine beams at it._

The same memory now makes her face fall, trembling hands reaching up to cover it instinctively once the tears start even though she is alone. _Alone_ \- that’s what she always will be even with this new crew no matter how friendly they are. No one will fully know her or have to live with that version of herself that she can’t get away from. 

_Sabine heads_ _into the control room, breathing even and slowly as her heart pounds in a way that makes it resonate through her whole chest up to her throat. She watches the files corrupt, each one coiling in on itself like a snake eating its own tail. She checks again, at least a dozen times before she allows herself to believe it - it’s gone. Then finally she sets the destruction into motion. She wants no room for recovery of a salvageable physical fragment let alone a digital one. She wants the screens to turn to shattered powder, into a fine sand of debris._

_She takes a step back to fire at the screen, the blast shattering the display into fragments._

_The charges are set in place, dozens of them ticking bright red in warning._

_She sprints down the corridor, stopping to look at the explosion. A burst of red, orange and a flash of gold scattering outwards._

_She finally can breathe again as the Imperial alarms are triggered, warning of the danger though she feels nothing in that moment but safety - at last._

_Not just for her but for everyone she put in danger._

_Her people._

_Her friends._

_Her family._

She carries this truth about what she’s done inside of her and it threatens to tear her apart. Even when she tried to warn her family of the Empire, what they were capable of and what they had made her...capable of, they didn’t listen. Everything she is doing is for them even if they would never know it, she wants to think she made peace with that but the memory of home...It was never the arguments, her trying to state her case to them that breaks her down but the warmth. She remembers her and her brother sparring, the pride on her mother’s face and her father’s smile. 

Sabine knows what Kanan thinks the reason might be, how he tried to breach the subject before and he couldn’t be more wrong. Her family never rejected who she was, what sent her away was their refusal to reject the Empire and to stand with her against them.

She sinks onto the bed in a tense motion, gripping the pillow too tight while a scream threatens to tear from her. Even if Sabine were to shout it out, there’s no need since it’s always directed at herself and that stream of consciousness, that self hatred stretches on and on louder than any scream ever could be. There are sobs that threaten to come but she’s stifling them with a firm hold even as the tears are falling and her eyes strain. Her throat is hoarse and she is exhausted yet she forces her eyes to stay open no matter how it hurts. It’s only then after a dizzy blur of her head lowering again that she notices a spot in the wall that is dented. It’s a deep dent yet smooth against the metal and instinctively she feels a pull to reach out, gently pressing a palm into the curve. She pretends that a hand is holding her own and only then does the crying start to falter as she falls asleep, eyelids heavy and pressing against a damp pillow.

* * *

A familiar smell wakes her up, warm and with a rich heat to it. She blinks a little, eyes still raw though dry now as she shifts, noticing how soft the sheets feel. She shrugs them off without any hesitation, only pausing once she reaches the door. It smells like _home_ and that fills her with a longing ache for family, her hand settling on her shoulder, against that dark magenta armor - so close to red but never there. Sabine opens the door and the smell of stew welcomes her with even more of a pull as she heads into the galley to see Zeb getting some utensils while Hera is seated at the booth of the lounge.

“Hi Sabine.” The Twi’lek says with a bright smile and Kanan looks up from his stirring with one of his own.

“Hey…” The man almost looks a little shy as he begins to explain the dish, “So I don’t know if it can really be called tiingilar. I...couldn’t get all the ingredients more local to Mandalore. I had the right spice thankfully at least...”

Sabine moves a little closer then, shaking her head and feeling a smile breach her lips before she can stop it though she doesn’t really want to. Kanan feels a swell of pride since it’s her first one that they’ve seen.

“As long as it has meat and vegetables and a ridiculous amount of heat, you’ve got it.” She accepts a bowl from the Lasat and Kanan ladles out some of the stew. Across the table, she can see Hera giving her another fond, welcoming smile. 

When they had first worked together any kindness or attentiveness was usually brushed off with an eye roll or a shrug. Dismissing it in her mind as misplaced concern or convincing herself it wouldn’t last and preparing for that time by never accepting it. Yet now that she’s actually on the ship in what is so clearly a home to them and they are welcoming her in a way that she never expected them to...she can’t bring herself to do any of that. Sure it might be safer, the indifference was a shield she used for so long but it blocks out everything - potential pain and also care. Even if she doesn’t feel she deserves it and that they’d never do any of this if they knew herself as she did...She doesn’t want any of this to stop.

Tiingilar as a dish is about using what you have. As Sabine joins Hera in the booth, she's starting to feel she has more than she thought and... maybe, she can let herself enjoy it a little.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading my first fic!


End file.
